Have you ever been apologized to for the same thing, over & over? It begins to sound like a mantra, words for the aggrieved party to paper over any wounds they have, any hurts still there. They're kind of like bandages, really, just something to stick onto the ouchy-spot to keep the blood from getting everywhere. Wouldn't want to make a mess of the carpets and all.
But what happens when that hurt just keeps getting poked and prodded and reopened time & again? What happens when the apology is given, and the wound made again? What happens to any wound when the bleeding doesn't stop?
Well, usually the hurt person bleeds out. Y'know, they die. It isn't too different with the apologies that keep getting made, either. Eventually, the person getting hurt runs out of blood - they run out of the wherewithal to keep taking the cuts, the hurt. They run out of the ability to react to the wounds, and part of them dies when they do. That part of them, then, in a small way, can no longer be hurt by those cuts.
Not like it matters anymore though, right? Because the part of them that cared enough, the part of them that mattered enough to warrant an apology in the first place, is gone. Dead. Bled right the fuck out.
If that part dies, and if it's a big part, meaningful or foundational, however, you need to conceptualize it.... chances are likely as not that it won't be pretty. Somewhere somehow something will probably go sideways. The details are really irrelevant.
Now, that's the short answer. The long answer is this: just because a part of that injured party dies, doesn't mean the whole is also gone. After all, there are other options when people lose blood, and when it is addressed with intent to not only stop the metaphorical bleed but to guard against such an injury recurring.
They get transfusions, right? And transfusions take a lot of work to get done. A bandage may keep the blood from getting everywhere, but what good is that if the wound keeps getting reopened? A transfusion will start after the main bleed is stopped usually, yeah?
So if we can apologize once, well & sincerely, if we can successfully stop that bleeding, why not just use all that energy into giving that transfusion? Give that love, intent, care, whatever is needed for that injured person, and make sure that the wound doesn't get reopened. Isn't it going to take the same energy as just reopening & rebandaging, reopening & rebandaging?
I have been labeled, by those in my life who are usually important to me, as being somewhat harsh in my stance that, if someone acts or speaks in such a way as to cause me harm, and then wants me to forgive them for it, really should just not bother apologizing. I mean it in the most.... forgiving? way, I really do. A proper apology can be very hard to do sometimes, I get that. It ain't fun no matter what, really.
What I mean by asking those people who have tried to apologize to me for *waffles hand about* literally fucking anything, is that I would rather they spend their mental & emotional energies devoted to figuring out an *actionable plan*, no matter how big or small, how mundane nor critical the matter at hand is. Please, by all means, give me a simple "I'm sorry, I'll do better next time" if it helps ease some tension on your conscience. Think on your apology no more than that; instead, *act on that feeling of remorse*. Make it count.
Remorse, regret, guilt even - those are all ugly, uncomfortable feelings. They are still valid, they still need to be acknowledged, yes. Rather than *dwelling* on those emotions, though, shouldn't we be *doing* something about why they happened in the first place?